Unless you are deaf, over the past few weeks you have heard the song asking for world peace, warm puppies and everything wonderful in a song about a “grown up Christmas list.” Apparently whoever wrote that song mistakes Santa for a combination of Superman, Henry Kissinger and Jesus. So I just had to peek in as some rather well known folks got on the fat man’s jolly old lap and made their own requests this year.
• Any female named Kardashian asked, “Please bring me a definable talent this year, and what’s this crud about naughty and nice?”
• Dr. Phil asked, “Hey man, can you get people to stop blaming THINGS for the acts of crazy evil people? The planes didn’t cause 9/11 and guns don’t massacre innocents — it is always crazy, deranged people who have evil in their heads and hearts. Take away some evil and give us some love. Can you do that, Big Guy?”
• Gov. Jerry Brown asked, “Please let the voters believe my lies about extra money for the kids just one more time. Next, I’d like a bullet train and, oh yes, can you also stop the 14 millionaires we have left from moving to Nevada?”
• Assemblyman Tim Donnelly asked, “Can I please have some help getting a few more conservatives elected to join me in Sacramento? If that’s too much, any chance I can get bullet-proof glass around my desk in the Assembly Chamber?”
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer asks, “I’ve been talking to Dancer, Blitzen and the rest of the guys and we want to talk about unionization. You’re using the North Pole Right-To-Work Laws to hold us back and not give us our fair shot at the American Dream. Next we are going to talk to PETA and the Teamsters. Yes, we only work one night a year but the hours are brutal. Let’s talk.”
• Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Majority Leader John Boehner ask, “We are close to a compromise on our list of wishes for you, but can’t come together on key issues at this time. If we can get back to you around Dec. 27 or so we’re confident the Select Committee on Christmas will have a bi-partisan request.”
• President Barack Obama asked, “What kind a program can I craft for you, old fella? You are obviously a senior who lives in a rural area with a lot of mouths to feed — are those vertically impaired little ones all yours? Well don’t fret, a check is in the mail so you can get out of those red jammies and live the fulfilling life on the American taxpayer as guaranteed to you in my version of the Constitution.”
Of course not all of these conversations were recorded verbatim — I may have filled in a few blanks on my own — but you get the essence of the Christmas wishes from these folks don’t you?
As for me, I just wish for good health and good fortune for friends and family. I don’t push Santa because I have some issues with the naughty list myself. I also hope this holiday — however you choose to celebrate it — is done in good humor and safety. We need every one of you out there. People who actually read are in such short supply these days. Next week, our 2013 New Year’s Resolutions.
Pat Orr is a local business owner, community volunteer and political junkie.